Category Archives: Uncertain category!

Mark’s Story: The Bike

I heard the knock on the front door.

‘I’m outta here. See you later.’

I knew it was him as he never lets me down. He’s my best mate, Mark, someone I’ve known for all of my life and will know for all of my life. I’ve had some of the funniest times with Mark. Proper side-splitting times. You hear people say that, but no truly, I mean it, piss yourself funny times. My mate Mark is a diamond.

I flung open the front door.

‘What the fuck are you wearing? Where d’you get that?’, I asked. Mark had on a cream coloured matching Adidas track suit: top and bottoms. There’s no way that was his, he just didn’t have things like that.

‘It’s Paul’s, fucking kill me if he knows I’ve worn it. Anyway, fuck ‘im, how’s he gonna know eh?’

Paul is Mark’s older brother, and yeah, he’d be pissed off.

‘It’s quite smart mate.’

We headed off down my road and turned into Windermere. We were going to the river bank where everyone always gathered on a Friday night; it was either that or causing chaos down the seafront. It was a light, warm evening and we could hear the screaming and shouting from our mates. We were a gobby lot, but harmless.

We got to the end of the road and through the cutting, jabbering about this and that, some bird or other.

‘I thought I could hear a fucking bike’, said Mark, ‘whose is that? Look at that bunch of fucking twats. They’ve never driven a bike in their lives. Haaaaa, it’s only a fucking 50cc. Haaaaa. Look at ’em.’

We upped our pace as we walked along the river bank. Mark was determined to get to the other side and show them how to ride a bike properly. They were taking it in turns to burn up and down the bank, and Mark was getting more and more animated about how shit they were.

‘Oi, oi,’ he shouted, ‘oi, Finch, hold on hold on, I’ll fucking show you how to ride it. Been riding them for years me.’

We reached the other side of the river and watched for a minute as yet another rider messed up their turn.

‘Right, bugger off, get off the fucking thing. Where’d you get it from Finch? How much was it? I’ll show you how to ride it.’

‘£50 quid mate. Yeah ok, ‘ave a go’, said Finch.

I’d never seen Mark ride a moped before, but he seemed to know what he was doing. We watched as he turned the handle, revving the engine, and then he was off. We turned to watch him, he was going at some speed, well, as much of a speed as a 50cc could do, and then…….

‘Fuck, where’s he gone. Fuck.’

He’d disappeared. We all ran toward where he was last seen. There’s a kink in the river edge, close to where the bushes are, so we scrambled through them hoping that our friend was ok. And there he was. Well, I haven’t laughed so much in all my life. I swear to god, I wasn’t able to control myself. Mark was stood in the river, Adidas track suit filthy and soaked through, moped upright on its back wheel, in a wheeley position, and his face stunned in a state of shock.

‘Fuck sake, Paul’s gonna kill me. Get me out for fuck sake. What the fuck happened there.’

That was the day I properly pissed myself. My mate Mark had done it again. None of the other ‘twats’ had ended up in the water, only my mate Mark. He’d added another story to the hundreds that I already had of him, and I love him for it.


Amelia’s Story: Fish

I woke at my usual time. Thought about my day, my week. The sunshine was coming in through the gap between the blind and the window. Yeah, summer’s coming.

Up I got, tied my hair back, looked around for my dressing gown and pulled on the cosy socks that I’d kicked off during the night. What for breakfast? Had mum been shopping yesterday? Of course she had, she’s always up at the supermarket. For a moment I wondered why, but then the answer was easy: we eat everything she buys pretty much as soon as she buys it.

The house was quiet. Everyone was out, just me in, biding my time, preparing to go back to college. I’m happy pootling about the house, making a cuppa, picking up and putting down my book as and when it suits me, chatting to this pal and that if the mood takes me, and flicking on the TV and watching whatever I want for as long as I want without any opposition. The house is my domain during the day, and nobody, unless by prior arrangement, penetrates that. Yes, I liked it that way. I had a routine.

I flicked on the kettle as I walked past it, making my way to the pantry. I’d already decided on muesli this morning, maybe with some toast, but that would depend on what bread was left. I hate that white stuff that the men around here like, and besides a malted Danish is better for you. Well, I say ‘the white stuff that the men like’, but funny how that was always what was left over.

Yes, as predicted, just the white stuff left. Jeez. I picked up the muesli and gave it a shake: full box. Nice one. Out of the pantry I pootled, found a bowl, a mug, a spoon, made my tea, added milk to my muesli and sat in my favourite chair at the kitchen table. My favourite seat looked out onto the garden. In the summer we have the French doors open and the sound of chirping birds and garden mowers is always lovely. I was lost in my thoughts when my phone rang.

‘Holy guacamole, who the hell….hiya. Yeah, I’m good thanks. How’re you?’ I listened. I had to think on my feet. ‘Awww I can’t today, my nan is coming over.’ Lie, white lie. You see, I’d already decided that I was going to have an undisturbed day today, just me and my Tom Ford palettes. Well, the Tom Ford palettes that I was going to be getting in New York next month. I needed to do some research into them. Huuuugely important.

‘Yeah, sorry, yeah, another day for sure. Soon. This week sometime. Byyyye.’

Phew. Just managed to swerve that one. I went back to my thoughts, but goodbye thoughts of summer, and hello thoughts of NYC, 5th Avenue, and shopping. I was straight on my IPad. Tap tap tap. Google. Tap tap tap. Tom Ford. Tap tap tap. Shopping New York. Tap tap tap. Make up New York. Oh there they are. Luuuuuvely. A better choice in New York. Barneys. Saks. Bloomingdales. Bergdorfs, what are these places. Ah yes, ok, department stores. Tap….


You what. No, can’t be. Ignore.


‘Holy guacamole. Are you kidding me.’



I grumped toward the front door.


I swung the door open. I knew the look on my face.

‘D’you want any fish?’

I just stared at him.

‘No mate. Do I look like I want any fish?’


I knew. He knew. The door slammed shut.

Danny’s Story: The Car Ride


It’s a standing joke in my family. Mmm, I should explain really. You see, I have very vivid dreams. Don’t know why, just do.

I live my life just the same as everyone else I reckon. Usual things: get up, take a shower, get ready for work, have breakfast, travel to work, work, have lunch,  work,  travel home, go out  on my bike (sometimes), have dinner, watch TV (footie is my favourite), go to bed. Nothing unusual, right? But wow, what happens once that light has gone out and I’m well in the land of nod, beggars belief. And I have no control over it.

Some say that food has a direct connection to what you dream about, but I’m not so sure. I mean how can chicken tikka masala have any influence on a dream about being chased by tigers, or eating cheese last thing before bedtime equates to a dream about dancing with the Royal Ballet in Swan Lake. Really?

Having said that, I can completely see how my choice of snack before bedtime a few years ago, led to a particularly wacky dream, and one which my family love resurrecting at every conceivable social gathering. Yes, this dream is available for weddings, engagements, bahmitvahs and christenings! It comes out, at my expense, everywhere.

I’d gone to bed at much the same time as usual. It was a school night, so the time was reasonable. I double checked that my school uniform was where I usually put it after school, and that the clean shirt – ironed by my lovely mum –  was hanging neatly on the front of my wardrobe. My school tie was draped around the hook. I was ready for tomorrow, and just one quick repositioning of a few bits and bobs on my desk, meant that I was ready for sleep.

My light went out, and I shuffled about in my bed for what could only have been a few minutes, and then I was off into my dream world and on a car journey like no other…… the car, my dad’s old blue Renault Laguna – a beast in its time – sped away at top speed. I didn’t know what was going on, but was ecstatic to be along for the ride. The car motored along the dual carriageway, heading I know not where. We passed a service station on the left and a hotel not much further along. The radio was blaring, and at first I didn’t register what it was that was playing. I didn’t care. I was on the joy ride of my life.

‘Woo woo,’ I screamed, ‘let’s go! Overtake him, put your foot down. Yeeaaah!’

We went on like this for some time, dodging in and out of the traffic, adrenaline pumping through my veins, and then, almost as quickly as the adventure kicked off, it slowed down. The music on the radio was strangely familiar to me, but it wasn’t one of my favourite songs by The Who, or even one of those irritating Disney songs, no, it was something far more bizarre than that. I glanced across from the passenger seat and, much to my surprise, when I looked over at the driver, and then to the back seat, I realised that the song blaring from the radio was a theme tune from my childhood. I had been kidnapped. Bananas in Pyjamas had kidnapped me and sped me away.


Lesson learned: NEVER again will I eat banana bread before going to bed.

Many many thanks Andrew for nominating me for the Liebster Award. I feel really thrilled that you considered my stories worthy of it. Apologies for taking a while to post and reply, and I have set up a page on my blog with the answers to the questions posed by Andrew. I am currently working on my selection of nominees and will post them soon along with some questions of my very own!

Thanks again Andrew, and I’ll carry on regularly checking out your blog.

******Dear followers take a look at Andrew’s blog:

Olivia’s Story: The WC

The hotel was lovely, and the breakfast promised to be even better.

We all made our way down to the dining room, and were greeted by the Maitre d’ who checked our room number and showed us to our table. As we followed, our eyes feasted on the expanse of be-linened table, decked with all manner of deliciousness. This was always the best thing about staying at a hotel, and none of us could wait to get stuck in.

We all did the polite sitting-at-the-table thing, fiddling with knives and forks, each of us waiting for one of us to say “let’s go then.” We were aware that we had to wait for our brother, a student at the local university,  but temptation was getting the better of us and mum soon gave us the ok.

‘Just need to pop to the loo Mum. Did you see where it was?’

Mum looked around, half distracted by the sight of one of the food baskets being replenished with fresh croissants, and pastries galore.

‘Um, yes, um, yes over there, look Liv, sign on the door, over there.’

Off I went, off she went, and my younger sister wasn’t far behind either. To be honest I didn’t really pay much attention, but headed in the direction of the door with the sign on it.

It took a little push to get the door to open, and it was pitch black inside; foolishly I let the door close behind me. I felt around for the light switch. Nothing. I staggered around with my arms out in front of me, hopeful that I would discover a cubicle if not a light switch. The darkness was only punctuated by the ever growing number of expletives that were falling out of my mouth.

‘For fucks sake, where’s the switch. It’s a disgrace that there’s no bloody automatic light in here. How sodding stupid.’

It was starting to feel like ages. I was desperate for one of those croissants, not to mention desperate for the reason I’d come in here! I’d lost my sense of direction, so trying to find the door through which I’d entered was yet another, virtually impossible feat.

And then, as if by magic, the light came on. Two people stood in the doorway. One familiar (my mother) and the other not.

‘Bloody hell Liv, what on earth have you been up to.’

Yes, breakfast time was nearing its end……and I had spent most of it in the stock room.

Polite Company

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Polite Company.”

He pushed back on the rear feet of the dining table chair.

‘Well’, he said, ‘It’s never a good idea to discuss religion or politics with people you don’t really know. I could have predicted that happening.’

‘Oh shut up Ru, you’re such a fucking know it all. And just for the record, for once, you had no way of predicting that.’

Camilla got up from the table and headed toward the patio doors. In the distance she could just make out the brake lights of  his car as they drove out into the night.

The evening had started in good humour; drinks and chat on the lawn before a light, but delicious, supper and the usual debates that the old university friends always found themselves involved in. They always tried to meet at least once a year, and nothing much ever seemed to change.

Jamie had arrived last, and with his latest girlfriend in tow. Partners weren’t invited to these annual gatherings and, much to the annoyance of the others, Jamie had decided to change the rules. Eyebrows were raised, facetious comments were delivered – just out of earshot of the guest of course – and as people became more intoxicated, the conversation became debate, and the debate became more contentious.

There was nothing unusual about this of course, but this time, at this supper, something had changed.

The Anti Mugging

The party was good enough to stay at until past 2am. Then I sloped off without anyone seeing me leave. I’d niftily managed to hook up a can of beer as I moved through the kitchen on my way to the back door.

The air felt cold against the few bits of exposed skin of my face, and as I pushed the buds into my ears I already knew exactly what I wanted to listen to. I never had any intention of waiting for the two night buses that it would take to get me home, and the standing joke amongst my friends was that I always insisted on walking from parties to home late at night. Normally I’d have a fight on my hands as everyone would try to persuade me to go with them, but tonight, no-one saw me leave.

The streets were dark and almost silent. You know what I mean, that sort-of-silent that is almost, but not quite; there’s no-one there to make a sound, but the streets have a eerie way of producing their own voice. This is a voice that I don’t much like, it unnerves me, and my earbuds help drown it out.

This was a time for me to think. Yeah ok, loud music and thinking might not be something that adults can understand, but most teenagers that I know can only think with loud music playing! Anyway, I enjoyed the time alone, in my own world.

I’d crossed the main road and had begun winding my way through the residential streets that were so familiar to me. And then they appeared. From nowhere. Three boys, bandannered and hoodied and offering trouble.

‘Fam, what’ve you got for us?’

‘I’ve not got much.’

‘What’ve you got. Food? An eighth?’

‘Nah, man, I’ve got nothing.’

The speaker sucked his teeth, looked away and said:

‘You got no phone?’

I put my hand in my pocket and handed it to him. He looked at it, looked up at my face, sucked his teeth again, and shook his head:

‘What’s that piece of shit? You expecting me to take that?’

They walked off handing it back to me, and were gone as quickly as they had appeared.

I had been anti-mugged. My muggers had rejected my bashed up phone.

A true story or a mere fabrication…..

He entered the room, straight from our toasty bed, hair all askew, eyes rubbed within an inch of their lives, long johns pulled awkwardly to one side so that the crotch is no longer in line with the crotch.

“I’ve just had a dream about pickling apples for old people. The doctor gave me the apples in one of those string nets and I had to pickle them.”

“Oooo, how exciting for you,” said I, “one of those orange net things that oranges come in?”

“No, it was cream coloured.”

“Oh I see. Why were you pickling them?”

“So that the old people could balance their arms on them. Like a pulley system. To counter-balance their arms.”

“Oh, I see, right.”


That was how my day began……

At 11 o’clock I walked into his room…..

….my dream reader was sitting in his usual armchair, right leg over left, usual grey cashmere jumper draped around his tartan checked shoulders. He looked up, peeping over his semi-circle glasses and said:

‘Well well well, who’s this then? Ah, yes, my regular Tuesday 11 o’clock appointment.’

Closing the door behind me I made my way over to the armchair opposite him – an exact replica, except for the buttock indentations, of his – and slumped down, not yet ready to reveal. We sat in silence for what felt like an age, I twiddled my thumbs and he just sat.

‘So,’ I said, ‘they keep getting worse. I thought these sessions were to make them get better. That’s what you told me; that’s what you said. I’m angry with you….’

Silence (there was always a period of silence after I spoke, because he had to be sure that I’d finished). Sigh. Throat clear.

‘I can tell that you’re angry, and I’m proud of you for sharing. This shows how far we’ve come. So, now down to business. Let’s work together this time, and see if we can read those dreams.’